


Finding My Way Around

by Fearthefaithful



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: ? - Freeform, Angst with a Happy Ending, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, But This Is Mostly A Love Story, Cannon, Canon Compliant, Dom/sub Undertones, Enemies to Lovers, F/M, Fix-It, It’s Really Sad But Good Things Will Happen, Kind of Fix It, Kinda?, Light Dom/sub, Love, POV Rey (Star Wars), POV Third Person, Pain Train, Post-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Redeemed Ben Solo, Rey Needs A Hug, Rey Skywalker, Reylo - Freeform, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker Spoilers, THIS IS A LOVE STORY WITH A HAPPY ENDING BECAUSE IM NOT A SADIST, There will be sex, This Is Not Going To Go The Way You Think, What I Think Should Happen In A Disney+ Show, idiots to lovers, tros
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-23
Updated: 2020-03-09
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:54:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21912496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fearthefaithful/pseuds/Fearthefaithful
Summary: Rey is devastated after everything that happened on Exogul. She spends weeks after trying to rebuild her life while still trying to relive the past. She misses him, and it’s like a part of her soul is missing. Because it kinda is. But when she starts going around the galaxy, trying to continue the work Luke had started all those years ago, she find something that might set this new life ablaze.
Relationships: Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 40
Kudos: 110





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi all, 
> 
> Before you kill me *dodges tomatoes* I know I got like.... 3 WIP. But TROS came out and I just couldn’t... help.. my... self. 
> 
> So here’s this :)
> 
> My first in universe fic and this is what I think they should do with Rey (& Ben) now that the trilogy is over. There are definitely some unanswered questions and I know you’re probably gonna be like... but Ben is.. dead??? How is this a life story?? Please just wait. Be patient. It will be worth it. ;)

The ground on Takodana was damp, and the tree leaves wilted with the weight of the water and they dropped into her face. Rey ran through the jungle, looking for the certain spot, and sliding to a stop when she reached it. 

_The_ spot.

She lowered to the ground after trying to swallow back the lump that grew in her throat. Her hands splayed into a cone shape and he finger tips barely grazed the ground as she blasted force energy through them and then pulled it back. She searched through everything the force energy was pulling back in, desperately trying to find one moment. 

The moment.

When she and Ben first met. 

It had been 2 weeks since he disappeared.... since he died. She struggled to believe those words, even as her friends tried to hammer them in. It was Maz who had suggested that she leave and go find herself, and Rey knew the only thing she wanted to find was one more moment. 

Her first stop had been Tatooine and then she went back to Jakku, which drove Finn crazy, and finally she landed here, in Takodana, looking for the moment they first met. 

In the force, every moment was frozen, like a picture, and Rey had been searching this large planet looking for the moment when she had first met Ben, and he froze her and carried her bridal style to the aircraft. She should have known them that he was never going to hurt her. That he loved her. 

She froze her search when she finally landed on the memory. 

Her chest raddled. And she lifted from the ground, opening her eyes as she saw herself and....

Ben. 

The sight made her chest burn. And then she watched the scene play out and the grace and softened in which he caught her and carried her out of view from the moment. She immediately leaned back down to the ground to start the moment over again and again and again. 

She pushed to keep her tears from surfacing and she collapsed to the damp jungle ground. 

She stared at the blank air once she finally calmed down, for a very long time. 

Everything in her life had changed in the matter of minutes. 

Someone finally came back for her. And not just someone. Her someone. The one she had never given up on, even if she thought she had, she hadn’t deep down. The one person she held out hope for. The last person in the whole galaxy she loved. Because her parents were gone, she knew that now. She felt when he came for her. She felt the shift in the air when he stepped foot on Exogul. She felt the... change. 

He was different.

And when she saw him through the bond while her grandfather spoke, her world spun. 

It was  Ben. 

And she loved him with everything she had. And in the moment he smiled at her for the first time, she knew he loved her enough to give his life for her. 

And he did. 

Now she was like a mindless drone. Trying to find anything to appease the ache inside her chest that she tried to hide from the world because god damnit the world just didn’t understand. No one knew Ben, everyone who kinda did was dead so that left him and Rey. 

The last remaining force users that she knew of. 

The last of their kind. 

A dyad. 

It took her days to come to terms that he was gone. It took her 2 weeks to realize that she couldn’t live without him. 

And maybe she could but the grief was too overwhelming to see through. 

Everyone expected her to be over it. To move on. 

But it felt as thought half of her soul had died. And it kind of had. Ben and her souls were connected. When he had died, and their connection severed it was almost like missing a limb. She felt disconnected from the force. She hadn’t heard from Leia or Luke since that day on Tatooine. A large portion of her power had left with him, never to return. 

The moment she had kissed him it had been like when their hands touched. A whole future flashed before them both. A marriage. A family. A school for younglings to train them, together. It was so real it was like it had happened for both of them. 

And then he died. 

Rey slowly lifted herself from the ground, and her legs shook beneath her. She didn’t bother to wipe at the dried tears on her face and took a shaky step forward as the sky dimmed. 

Chewie stood waiting outside the door of the ramp of the Falcon waiting for her. 

He regarded her silently as she walked up the ramp, not explain her disappearance for the past few hours. He followed behind her and closed the ramp. She sat down in the pilot seat of the Falcon, staring blankly ahead until chewie joined her in the copilot seat. 

“I don’t know what to do now.” She whispered. 

He stayed silent. 

She cleared her throat, finally turning her gaze towards her friend. “What would Leia want?” 

Chewie shrugged and let out a long groan in Wookie. 

She looked at him, confused. “Chandrila? Why would she have things there?” 

The wookie let out another groan in response. 

And her breath caught. “Ben was born  there? ”

Her friend nodded. Rey immediately began the take off sequence and set coordinates towards Chandrila to retrieve Leia’s things. 

When she landed where Chewie had directed her to and exited the ship on top of the tall building that Chewie said was Han and Leia’s. And apparently even Ben’s at some point. 

There was a door all the way to the left of the rooftop and she quickly made her way down the steps until she ran into a small elderly Pantoran woman who smiled kindlyat her. 

“Are you Rey?” She greeted, catching Rey off guard. 

“Um, yes I’m sorry. I’m looking for Leia’s belongings—“ she paused. “Who are you?” 

“Yes! She told me you would come.” She said excitedly, trying to contain her glee. 

Rey puffed out a breath in disbelief. “I’m sorry.” She shook her head, “she told you?” 

The woman nodded while walking away but motioning for Rey to follow. “Yes, yes. She reached me and said a beautiful girl named Rey would be coming for her things. And this house, is for you too.” The woman, Rey could tell, was very excited and sweet, but she still had no idea who she was. 

“And you are?” She rushed to keep up with the old lady. 

“I’m Loralie. I’ve worked for the Skywalker- Solos for a very long time. Since I was 16 years old. That must be close to 60 years now.” She gasped an stopped in her tracks for a moment before starting up again until she reached a door way. “This is Leia’s room. All the possessions you seek will be in here. But the whole house is yours. Take whatever you like. Stay as long as you like. I’ll always be here.” The blue skinned woman walked away with those words and disappeared so suddenly down the hallway. 

Rey turned her head slowly back towards the beautiful room, with large windows stretching across the back door. The trim rounding the windows was painted a light grey, a nice contrast to the stark white walls. The bed on the left wall was made and very pillow in place and the comforter on top was a plush grey blanket, with silver design embroidered in swirls and waves. She ran her finger tips over the material slowly, feeling how silky and smooth the fabric and embroidery was. 

She breathed slowly and reached for the small box that was in the middle of the bed. The cardboard box sat open full of tiny discs. Every disc in the box was labeled with a date on it and Rey sifted through to try and glance at them all. 

She picked up one from the earliest date she could find and she took that one and the entire box and headed back to the falcon but on her way she passed by a room with a large black door, that looked so odd compared to the rest of the hallway. She slowly pushed the door open, almost hesitant that someone was going to jump out at her and tell her she shouldn’t be there, but something was drawing her into the room. 

The door creaked open and inside were the same stark white walls and black and grey furniture everywhere. 

_ Ben’s room.  _

It had to be. 

The was still a large window on the wall facing the center of the city, but this was was a bit smaller and with black trim around it. 

The bed had no comforter on it, just silky charcoal sheets. And in the opposite corner of the room, a desk, with a few books, and a disc reader. She slid up to the desk and inserted the disc she had in her hand into the disc reader and watched as a very young Ben Solo popped up in front of her in holograph form. 

_“Hey mom. It’s me. The first week has been crazy here. Uncle Luke found a new way to find force sensitive kids and he’a had me working with them nonstop. And he knows that’s not what I want to do.”_ Rey bit her bottom lip to contain the laugh/sob that was attempting to escape her at the sight of a 13 year old Ben, the man she would grow to love many years down the line, sending a vid complaining to his mother. 

_ “Also, some of my fellow ‘Jedi in training’,” _ he rolled his eyes, “ _ Are freaking out about this new kid. He’s Pantoran.”  _ He rolled his eyes again. “ _ I don’t know why anyone cares. Just cause he’s blue? I guess. Loralie’s blue. No one gives a damn about that at home. Anyways, training is going well I think. I just miss home, kinda.”  _ The young boy, with an innocence Rey barely recognized, looked off as if nonchalant but she could tell it was more than kinda. This boy really missed his parents.  _ “And Uncle Luke is too strict. He doesn’t let us use the com or anything that’s why we have to send these vids through the mail.”  _ He scoffed. “ _It’s like the dumbest shit ever.”_ He froze. “ _Oh. Sorry! Dad definitely did not teach me that word.”_ He gave a wolffish, devilish wink. “ _Alright, bye. Love you mom. You’ll probably be getting more of these coming in since Uncle Luke wants to live in the past and cut us off from civilization. Okay, bye.”_ He paused before he cut it off and then hurriedly added,  _ “love you forever.”  _

The holographic face blinked away and Rey was left alone again. 

As fast a she could, she reached into the box and found the next vid that Ben had sent, trying to find the right date. 

Her tears fell freely, now, and she trembled almost like she was cold. 

She went through the vids, watching the teenager grow up before her eyes. Every video he grew more and more weary. Every video there was more of a strain around his eyes. 

When he seemed around 17, was when she finally ran out of tears, after hours of watching the vids. 

_ “Hi uh. Sorry I haven’t sent a vid in a while.”  _ His voice was deep, almost just like she remembered it, and his face looked young but she could still see the tiredness on his face. She shuddered to think how hard it must have been to have Palpatine in his head for his whole life, lying to him and manipulating the truth.  _ “It’s just been crazy here. After trying to teach the Padawan classes and also go on my first mission as a knight,”  _ he breathed out a sigh,  “ _just been a lot. But, I’m planning on coming home soon. Have Loralie make my bed for me how I like and I’ll be there.”_ He gave a tight smile that didn’t come close to reaching his eyes . _“I can’t wait to see you. So much has been weighing on my mind and it’ll be nice to just get home and rest with you guys.”_ He chuckled out and looked down. “ _ As long as you guys don’t argue I mean. 17 years of family meals and still haven’t had one without at least one  _ _without a huge fight.”_ He looked back up with a look of fondness in his eyes. _“_ _ I’ll see you soon mom. Love you forever.”  _

Rey reached to grab the next tape and found nothing. The last one. That video was the last one a Rey’s mind raced, trying to figure out whether that 17-year-old boy ever got to go back home. Or whether that last video happened just before everything happened with Luke and he disappeared and went to get abused by Snoke for another 10 years. 

Rey’s eyes found new tears and she cried in pain for her lost family; her blood family and the one who had taken her in and the boy who had done nothing but love her.

By the time she lifted herself from the seat at the desk, it was all she could do to make her way to the bed on the opposite wall, collapse and sleep for the rest of the day. 


	2. Mandalore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow... sorry for the delay. The holiday made writing hard but I’m cranking it out now and even though this seems like a filler chapter... it has a lot of important Easter egg type things that kinda give you hints of where this story is going. 
> 
> THANK YOU for all the comments. I’m getting to them. I promise. I love you all and love your feedback.

The light beamed in through the window and priceless at her eyes, rousing her from the deep sleep she had laid in for over 12 hours. 

“Oh, I was beginning to worry if you’d ever wake up.” Rey sat up, startled, just to see Loralie sitting at the edge of the bed. Rey’s eyes glanced around the room, taking it all in. And saw the disc she had watched still lying on the desk where she had left them. 

“I have breakfast for you.” Rey snapped her eyes back to the older lady. “You need to eat. Chewbacca tells me you haven’t been eating.” Loralie stood up from the bed and walked out of the room swiftly, only to flutter back in two minutes later with a tray of food. 

The tray was filled with pastries fruit and a glass of milk. Rey immediately digging into the delicious-looking food. 

“Where is Chewie?” She asked, her mouth full of a buttery pastry. 

“He’s in the other room packing up Han’s office.” 

Rey looked up and winced slightly. “Han’s office? I thought all that stuff would be gone by now..” she trailed off. 

Loralie shook her head. “I wasn’t allowed to let anyone touch it until you or Mr.Solo showed up.” 

“Han?” Rey’s eyebrows scrunched in confusion. Then it dawned on her. “Ben.” She concluded with a whisper. 

Loralie nodded solemnly. “It was always her wish that her son would return one way. And towards the end she began to believe that he would come home with you.” The woman paused. “Guess that was never meant to be.” 

Rey reaches over to grab the woman’s hand. “It was. He was coming home.” She choked on her words. “We would have come here together, like she said. But he…. he died. Saving my life.” Rey’s words were soft and reverent, honoring the memory of her fallen hero. 

Loralie say next to her, with tears in her eyes thinking of the words Rey had just spoken. Rey glances back up. “He came back.. to save his mother’s legacy. To save me. He was good.” She sniffed. “So good.” The words broke in her throat. “In his last moments he shared with me all his goodness and kindness and showed me every bit of love he had in his heart— for his parents.. and it was so much. So so much. And I only wish I could have sacrificed more to allow Leia to see who her son was now. To give him time to live out his life the way he was going to.” To live his life with me. “How good and just he truly was deep down.” Rey knew she was rambling but she didn’t know how to stop. This was the first person since he died to actually care that he died. To care that there was a missing piece to their life. His nurse. 

Loralie reached out and grabbed both of Rey’s hands and squeezed. “Then you should go find him?” 

Rey staled in confusion. “Find him? Loralie…. he’s gone.” 

She shook her head. “I don’t mean that he’s out there somewhere waiting. But find his spirit. Think of what he would have done with his time after he came home and find his spirit. Wherever that is the force will help you.” 

Rey’s eyebrows slowly relaxed from their scrunched in, confused look, and she gave the woman a side smile. “Where’d you learn about the force, Loralie?” 

A soft smile grew on her face and her eyes grew warm. “From a young boy who came back so excited from training that he had to tell his old nurse every single thing he learned.” 

  
  


*

  
  


Rey spent another month cycle in Chandrila, channeling the force the best she could with half of her gone. With the force bond, also left half of her connection to the force. Even before she ever knew about the bond that part was always there and then it died, with Ben. 

She also spent a lot of time looking through every journal and vid she could find in the house. Written letters from Luke and various other politicians and leaders were packed in boxes in a storage closet. It looked like Leia had kept every letter ever written. Rey didn’t know what she was looking for, really, but there had to be something that could help her. She knew they Luke had been working on many projects before his self imposed exile on Ahch-to and she needed to find out what he and Leia did before the war started with the First Order. 

But, She concentrated on searching for what Ben would have done; what he would have wanted. And by the next week she picked up and left on the Falcon with Chewie. They talked, as they sped through space, about Ben and Leia and their life on Chandrila. How Ben loved his home and always hated being away from it and was terrified to leave for training with Luke but was excited for what he would learn.

How Leia and Han were always in love. They never stopped loving each other the way they did when they were young but that meant they still argued like teenagers and it never stopped. 

How Luke rarely came to visit but he called often. 

How Han bad Ben used to work on the Falcon together, with Chewie. 

They talked for half a day cycle before they finally arrived at their final destination on Mandalore. 

They descended on the desolate planet, that almost reminded her of Jakku. It looked like dessert and not much else, but unlike Jakku it wasn’t meant to be a dessert and was nearly unlivable. War had turned Mandalore into a dessert, completely devoid of the lushes greener that had been there when the Madalorians first migrated to the planet. So in place, they swore off wars and built bio- domes for their cities. The same evil that had driven them to their home had also destroyed it. 

When they landed in the landing bay, Rey was greeted by what looked to her to be General Constance, who she had sent a message to on her way. “Prime Minister Constance?” She inquired, walking down the ramp. 

“Yes, and I assume you’re Rey.” The taller woman stuck her hand out in a greeting to Rey. 

Rey shook the hand firmly. “I’m sorry to come on such short notice, Prime minister, but my Master, Luke Skywalker, was in search of something here in your archives. As was General Organa. I’m trying to find what they were looking for.” 

The Prime minister nodded but her face seemed confused. “And what exactly was it he was looking for? I know there is record of him coming here a few times but no real indication of what it was for in the records. 

“He seemed to think your library had archived information on the world between worlds.” Rey told the half truth easily, training her face. 

She nodded. “Oh!” She exclaimed. “Well, because of the years of civil war our city— and the entire planet really, has been through, we don’t have a computerized file of every book in our archives. There are millions. And of course you are able to look through every book, just as Luke did, but there is no record of a book or scroll containing information like that.” 

Rey nodded slightly. “If it’s alright with you, I think I may be here for a while searching.” 

She smiled. “You’re welcome to stay as long as you like.” She gestured for Rey to follow as she lead the way towards the library. “Actually, Rey. There is a place here in town where Luke stayed on his visits. No one’s touched it since he had last been there, but it’s open to you if you’d like to stay there for as long as you’re here.” 

“That would be great. Had just planned on staying in the Falcon but that would probably be much better.” 

“I’m really pleased to meet you. When Lando came and sent out the call for help on Exogul, I knew we had to take a stand.” She turned to look at Rey as they walked through the long halls towards the powerlift. She regarded her solemnly once they get in the lift and sighed. “I’m sorry we didn’t help sooner.. I saw the call Leia sent out from Crait. I feel terrible but at the time…” she looked at the floor. “At the time we just didn’t feel brave enough. I take full responsibility for it. But— I… am glad we were able to help. In some way. Even if it was too late for Leia. Or Luke for that matter.” 

Rey felt the same tingling in her throat she felt every time someone brought up Luke and Leia but tried to swallow it down. “Thank you for your help, Prime minister. They did all the could for the galaxy. I’m just glad others were able to help and carry their vision to fruition.” She smiled at the woman once she looked up from where her eyes had been set on the floor. “And the past is the past. I prefer not to dwell on it too much.” The thought of what people thought of Ben flitted through her mind. People probably saw him as some monster. Like she had. Who killed his father and others in cold blood.

But Rey knew the difference. 

Kylo Ren has been torn before. And his father's death only widened that tear. To Rey, Ben Solo had been there since the moment the bond opened up. She knew who it was there. 

“Did you know their son?” The governor’s voice broke through her brief thoughts. 

“I’m sorry?” 

“Their son.” She restated. “Han and Leia had a son. I wondered if maybe you had met him before he died.” 

Rey choked. “Ummm..” 

“I guess not though, since he died just before the war started.” She said thoughtfully. “And you only met them once you joined. I never met him myself but Luke always said he was the best and worst of both of them. And I can just imagine a young boy— half Han, half Leia.” She looked off and smiled as if imagining it. 

Rey bit the inside of her cheek. “I didn’t meet him. But I heard so much about him it was almost like I had.” Her smile was tight. 

They exited the powerlift and the Governor immediately walked to the far left. Rey followed, hurriedly trying to keep up with the tall woman. Finally, the woman slowed down in front of two large wooden doors with intricate carvings of trees on them. “These doors,” said the Prime Minister, “are meant to show the circle of life.” She pointed to the top and around the corners. “This is the beginning stage of a tree. Alive, producing air. Then they have the stage of greed.” She lowered her eyes to a carving of a tree dying and then to one even lower of the tree cut down. “We as humans are greedy in nature and take from the tree what we think we need or want. Turn them into things like this door or the books and scrolls inside.” The carving at the bottom of the door showed an open book, symbolizing the end of the trees life but a new life of usefulness. “This door was carved by a man named Joseph Scatts. He was the Prime minister at the time. It was made from the very last tree on the surface, years and years go. The tree was going to die, and he wanted to make something to symbolize all that we did to destroy the surface. Make us thankful for what we have and to learn to control our greed.” As she finished her story she turned and gave a sweet smile, to which Rey returned tentatively, not looking away from the beautiful doors for two long. They reminded her of something Luke would have believed in. Something timeless and meaningful, that reminded everyone the real meaning of life. 

After a moment, Prime minister Constance pushed open the doors and inside led the largest library Rey had ever seen. 

Walls as tall as a building, completely covered in books and in certain areas, stacks and stacks of scrolls. 

“As I said, about 60% of these books we have no record of. We don’t know where or what they are or who wrote them. Not many people find any use for these old things these days. With data pads and holocrons, they useless today. But we keep them for the archives.” She shrugged. “We are attempting to go through them all and sort them and put them into the system but that takes time. Anyways…” she smiled again and took a few steps towards the door. “Do whatever you need to do. And please let me know if I can help you with anything. I’m usually quite busy but want to do whatever I can to help you.” With that, the woman was off and Rey was left to her own devices in the room of endless walls of books.

Chewie had stayed with the Falcon to work on some project he was undergoing and R2 was the only other one with her, who also stayed with Chewie. So she really was alone. 

She walked up to the nearest wall and ran her fingers along the back of the books as she walked by the floor to ceiling bookcase. She lifted her eyes to the ceiling and marveled at the beautiful woodwork that donned the large space and the trim that framed it. 

She thought that the Prime minister who Constance has spoken of had to be a master carpenter to really create the doors and maybe even the wood work on the ceiling. The room where the books were was large and continued to go in in a long galley which Rey couldn’t even see all of, yet every inch of the ceiling was covered in the same woodwork. 

It was hard to even decide where to begin. With these hundreds of thousands of books, and most of them not sorted, it would take forever. But she wasn’t really worried. She had all the time in the world.

She walked towards the center of the room and closed her eyes slowly. Clearing her mind, she began to meditate, like Leia and Luke and taught her and reach out with the force. 

The energy rushed through her fingers and her toes, electrifying every cell in her body.

Her feet lifted from the ground slowly, as the force built up inside her and the room. She pulled her legs in and crossed them in front of her as the force pushed her higher off the ground. 

It was like breathing now. Channeling the force had become like second nature and she didn’t even have to concentrate on it anymore before she was mid air and almost in a trance. She reached out her hand and searched through the force to every book and scroll in the room. Then she pulled until every book that mentioned Jedi, the world between worlds, the force, and resurrection was floating in circles around her. 

She lowered herself to the ground smoothly, and caught the closest book to her before they all hit the ground in one large ring around where she stood in the middle of the room. 

Once she had a chance to glance through the book through, she found it was useless. 

As was almost every book. 

She spent all the way until dawn the next day trying to find anything of what Luke may have been looking for but found nothing. Many books and scrolls had been given to Madalore for different reasons including a few Jedi books and journals that they had stolen during their constant battles with the Jedi hundreds of years before. Most of the Jedi journals were just anecdotes, depicting the struggles that Jedi had gone through or how their training went; giving Rey no information on anything she was looking for. 

And some of the other books she’d gotten to only a summary of a past event. 

There were still hundreds more laying on the ground when prime minister Constance entered into the library once more. 

“You’re still in here!” She exclaimed. “I figured you might have come back early but I’ve come to find that you've never left.” She laughed. 

“Oh, yes sorry.” Rey turned to greet the woman, suddenly feeling the sting of exhaustion in her eyes. “I didn’t find anything and I thought I would stop once I found at least something. So here I am.” She laughed lightly. 

“Honestly, Rey, I think you should go to sleep.” The woman said softly. “You look exhausted.” 

“I will, Prime minister. I suddenly feel like exhaustion now, so I think it best.” 

“Please,” she interrupted, “Call me Constance.” 

Rey nodded and smiled. “Constance.” 

After that Rey quickly made her way to the place that Constance had told her was where Luke had stayed and didn’t even looked around before she felt onto the bed with exhaustion. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo much happens in the next chapter ;) can’t wait for you to read it.


	3. Mesh’la Yaim

_ 1 month later _

Rey read through the passage again as she sat at the table. Everything in the passage spoke of what she needed to know, but almost like it was just out of reach. In riddles almost. She had been cooped up in the library for over a month and she passed her wits end long ago but she had finally narrowed down to 7 books which held helpful information but she couldn’t seem to comprehend any of it. 

And reading the books cover to cover was a difficult task too. 

She was going stir crazy. 

Chewie had gotten a life weeks ago. Constance has offered to give him a temporary job while they were there working on all the crafts in the landing bay of the Capitol. Keeping up with maintenance and such. Chewie loved it and had made friends that had helped him finish his product on the Falcon. 

R2 mainly stayed with Rey but had also seemingly made friends with some of Chewie’s work mates that Rey had still yet to meet. 

Constance visited her a lot as she searched through all the books. They talked and Constance seemed to just tell stories to fill the silence and help Rey not feel so lonely. Rey didn’t care too much because she only ever left the room to go home at the end of the day and the company was nice. 

She hadn’t trained or used her lightsaber since she had arrived on the planet and she was starting to feel the itch. 

But the words in front of her were what was important and those words were just not making sense. 

Everything on the world between worlds spoke of portals and port keys but no information about that, almost like the reader was already supposed to know. There were apparently several different portals, and Rey knew one was here on Mandalore and that was what Luke was searching for but she couldn’t quite find where. 

It’s not that she was very hopeful, because she wasn’t. 

She was sure Ben was gone. 

But at the same time, there was a small part of her that thought he was in between. At the world between worlds, waiting to be saved. And with every passing second she could feel herself growing more antsy and the idea of him being there for almost 3 months. 

But then she remembered that he died. In front of her eyes. And there was no way he was there. 

_ But what if?  _

  
  
  


“Rey… You have to come tonight. It’s been over a month and you’ve met no one. You barely eat and you don’t even leave this room except to sleep.” Constance spoke from the seat across from her. 

Rey looked up warily. “And what is tonight?” 

“It’s our Peace anniversary. We call it  _ Mesh’la Yaim. _ It means beautiful home.” She stood and ushered Rey to her feet, intertwining their arms. “We celebrate every year of peace on Mandalore with big festivities. It’s the biggest holiday here and you just must put aside your Jedi duty for one evening to come party.” 

_ I’m not a jedi _ , Rey almost said. 

“It would almost be an insult.” The woman teased. 

She stuttered in search of an excuse. “I have nothing to wear.” 

Constance waved off the comment. “I do, though. I have plenty to wear. And as Prime Minister of this fine planet, I insist you come with me and borrow my dress and get ready to go celebrate with me. It’s  _ Mesh’la Yaim!” _ Her smile was bright and so full of excitement that Rey could barely contain her cringe. 

“Okay, okay. If you insist.” She finally relented. 

“I do!” Constance exclaimed before pulling her off towards her home on the other side of the capitol building. 

By the time they got there, Constance had given her a full run down of the large party and everyone who would be in attendance. Rey was completely convinced she would remember none of what Constance had said and yet she nodded along as if she was taking in everything. 

“And even the new Councilman.” Constance spoke from inside her closet. “He’s very cute you know.” She popped her head out the door to give Rey a look. 

Rey rolled her eyes. “I’m definitely not looking for that. I’m going to this party because I was ordered by the Prime Minister.” She teased. 

“I’m just saying, it wouldn’t hurt.” She reemerged from the closet with a pink gown in her hand. “I think this one will be perfect.” 

Rey appraised the gown with a skeptical look but grabbed it anyways. 

She could tell it would be tight fitting like a glove and would should a small sliver around her rib cage, since the gown was really split into a top and bottom portion. 

She slipped the gown on in the other room and ran her hand along the fabric on her things as she looked at herself in the mirror. The beautiful dress fit Rey perfectly and accentuated even the tiny curves she did have. It was covered in a sheer material that added design to the dress and laid atop the plain pink fabric. On the bodice it was covered in beads and sequins they shined in the light. 

Rey felt pretty. For maybe the first time in her life she felt truly pretty. 

Constance peeped into the room and gasped. “Oh my darling Rey you are gorgeous! I knew it— I just knew you would look good in that dress. And you do!” She squealed. 

After Constance had fixed her hair and everything else possible, they finally left but not before Rey took one more quick glance in the mirror to see her hair curled and laying on her shoulders and make up donning her face. 

“Where is the party Constance?” Rey asked. 

“In the grand hall of the Capitol. It’s always been there, especially during my time. I’m a bit of a stickler for tradition.” Her face fell suddenly. “Something my conspirators think is a fault not a treasure.” She smiled tightly at Rey, clearly frustrated. 

“Conspirators? Against you?” 

“Yes some of the New money families are unhappy with how close I try to stick to tradition because their family didn’t have the money when the tradition was in its prime.” She rolled her eyes, something Rey had never seen her do in her time on Mandalore. “So they want me out and want someone younger in.”

Rey shook her head in disbelief. “I figured you’d be worshiped.” 

The woman bust out in a laugh. “Oh wow. No definitely not. If I keep my cool through the night I’ll be impressed.” 

They reentered the Capitol building from the main doors and Rey was shocked by the throng of people. Everyone was dressed in extravagant gowns and polished suits, her own dress paling in comparison to some of theirs. 

“Constance…” Rey started warily. 

“No, Rey. Don’t even start. I invited you as my guest.” She cut her off before she could go any further. “So just stay with me and I’ll introduce you to some people. But you’re not leaving.” The finality in her tone shut Rey up right away. 

Constance grabbed her hand and drug her off to the first group of people she saw. 

“Lord Burcham, and Lord Manner this is the Jedi Rey who trained under Luke before he died. She’s been in town for a little over a month now trying to continue his research.” The playfulness and sweetness gone from her voice, replaced by what Rey could only identify as propriety and confidence. Constance was the Prime Minister which is perhaps the most influential and certainly the most important job on the planet. This meant that at every moment she was being scrutinized for her decisions and how she spoke and walked and dressed and so on. Every person in the room was wanting to see how she holds herself and if she slips up because they’re all really vying for the position. 

Leia had spoken to Rey quite a bit about politics before she passed, something Rey knew nothing about. Leia always said that politics was like war, where no one really wins. Every politician will be hated by someone,  _ even the princess of Alderaan.  _

“Rey! What a pleasure to meet you. We had no idea that Luke was still training Padawan.” One it the men she had been introduced to spoke. 

“Oh, he wasn’t really. I was the exception.” She smiled lightly, trying to seem as sure of herself as possible. 

“Well then you must be quite talented in the force, I say.” The other one commented with a nasty smile that made Rey’s stomach churn. 

“Uh— I suppose. But I— I also trained with Leia.” She tried steering the conversation away from the force. The idea of the force made some people uncomfortable and the others power hungry and saw her as a weapon. 

“I didn’t know General Organa practiced the force.” He said. 

“Yes well, she had trained before but focused her efforts on the resistance when things began to get bad.” 

The guys' eyebrows rose in mirth. “Ah yes. The rebellious bastard of a son. I heard about that.” 

Rey’s blood ran cold. She blinked at the man, unsure of the quickest way to dismember him. 

About the time she decided to force choke him first but decide the rest later, someone walked up and stood next to him and clapped his hand on his shoulder. But Rey couldn’t take her eyes off the prick until the person spoke. 

“Looks like she’s about to disembowel you old man.” 

Rey’s eyes slid to the person to glare but instead was struck dead by the sight. 

The black hair and pale face with striking features sent alarm signals through her entire body. 

“ _ Ben?”  _ She whispered. She could hardly believe her eyes and had decided that she was hallucinating. 

His eyebrows lifted at her words and his eyes sang of confusion. “Excuse me?” 

She took a step closer and lifted her hand to hover over his chest. “Ben, is it really you?” Tears flooded her eyes as she looked onto the ghost. She was going crazy. She had lost it. That was the only explanation. he could barely breathe. She searched in the force for his force signature as every possible scenario vaulted through her head. 

Rey wasn’t paying attention but the other two men and Constance who had been standing there were all looking on at the scene, completely confused. Had she been paying attention she would have noticed the two other men take a step back from her in caution when the first tear escaped her eyes. 

“Umm… Benjamin is my name, yes. Have we met?” He shifted away from her as much as he could without taking a step back. 

She shuddered. “Ben.” Her voice cracked. “It’s me. Rey. I— I…” 

He began to laugh and she felt hope swell that this was all some big joke. That it was Ben and he was teasing her or something. “Constance do you only have crazy friends? I don’t even know this woman and she’s crying at my feet.” 

Rey stilled and felt more tears prickle at her eyes. She quickly wiped her eyes with the tips of her fingers. “What?” The lump in her throat grew. 

He then turned to the two men beside him. “Oh you two are just going to leave me with her. Great friends, you are.” He laughed and finally took that step back. 

“Ben. This isn’t funny.” She spoke softly. 

His eyes finally landed back on her and turned steely. “It’s Commander Asher. I don’t know who you are, girl, but you certainly don’t get to call me ‘Ben’.” His face was full of disdain and then he turned to look at Constance. “Who is this girl anyways? Some charity case you’ve picked off the street?” 

Rey’s hands trembled at his words. He didn’t know who she was. She took several steps back, not once taking her eyes off him. 

“She’s a Jedi who trained with master Luke—“ 

Rey cut Constance off with a glare. “I’m not a Jedi.” Her voice was harsh and the frustration she was feeling at the word was amplified but the shock of the man standing in front of her. 

Constance was rendered speechless by her ire so Ben spoke instead. “Who are you then?” 

Rey slid her gaze back to him. “Well...I did train with Luke but—“ 

His eye brow popped up again. “So you are a Jedi.” 

“I never finished my training.” The shock started wearing off, replaced by annoyance and agitation. 

He shifted his weight to his other foot. “And how did you know my first name?” He paused. "Actually, how did you know me?" 

It was like a trap she didn’t know how to get out of. Here was Ben Solo, or Ben whoever, standing in front of her after she watched him die but now he doesn’t remember at all seemingly and is actually really rude. She didn’t know what to do. 

She looked around, searching for a way out. _I can’t tell him._ _Not here._ She took another step away from him and smiled uneasily. 

“Or are you just another crazy charity case Constance likes to pull off the street?” His question was the final nail in the coffin. She straightened her spine and tightened her face. Disgust and self-preservation grew in her at an astronomical rate. 

“I’m sorry Commander, I must have mistaken you for someone else. The Ben I was looking for isn’t such an ass.” Her voice was cool. It was a lie, of course, because Kylo Ren was an ass but at least not a pompous one. 

The side of his lips twitched at her immediate change in demeanor. “Clearly. Since you were crying all over the place for him. He must mean something to you. Now tell me, Jedi,” he took a purposeful step forward, almost like he was mocking her with just that step. “Is he your lover? And he left you?” He clicked his tongue. “How surprising. The Jedi never were good at love.” The sarcasm dripping from his voice made Rey’s blood boil. Not only was the crushing disappointment that this was  _ her _ Ben, rough, but the man in front of her was treating her like a child. 

Rey attempted to raise herself to meet his height. “I'm sorry Commander, have I done something to offend you? You seem quite tense.” 

He smirked. “No. Certainly not. I believe it’s the other way around. You see, just a minute ago you were nearly falling over me with tears and now you seem ready to kill me just as you were with my friend over here.” He lifted his hand to clap the older man’s back who had caught her ire earlier. 

He turned to look at the prime minister, “Is that the new thing with Jedi? Do they all have anger issues? Or is it only with women?” 

Constance opened her mouth to respond but Rey cut her off, barely containing her snarl. 

“I’m sorry Commander but I must ask, what even are you the Commander of exactly?” She was trying to get under his skin, the way he had gotten under hers. 

At her question he smiled brightly. “I'm in charge of  _ all  _ space operations. So you might want to be a little bit nicer to me or that piece of junk sitting in the hanger will be thrown out to the desert.” He winked, "I'm not in the charity business like Constance over here." He inclined his head toward her friend.

She was wrong.

_ He was a much bigger ass than Kylo Ren.  _

Kylo didn’t belittle her and every threat was empty. This man in front of her made her blood boil within 5 minutes of meeting him and insulted her in nearly every way possible. 

“If you’ll excuse me, Prime Minister, I think I might need to let the Jedi girl relax a moment lest she burst a blood vessel.” With his cold words, he left the group and made his way to the other side of the room.

Constance quickly turned to her once he was out of earshot. “Rey, I am so so sorry. I—“ 

“Who is that man?” Rey ignored her apology completely. 

Constance winced slightly and pulled her to the nearest wall for a little bit of privacy. “That’s Commander Benjamin Asher. He’s the head of space operations here in Sundari.” Her voice was short and dripped with disdain. 

Rey carefully chose her next question. “And it seems he’s one of the ones conspiring against you?” 

Constance’s lips twitched before she pulled them into a purse. “Even though he’s only been here in the city for a few months, with his new position, everyone wants him to run for Prime Minister in the election.” 

She slowed at Constance's words.

“Where was he before?” She felt her heart rate rise a little bit. No matter how confused and frustrated with their previous encounter she was, she wanted to know what happened. She  _ needed  _ to know. She was terrified of both outcomes; that the man she just met and disposed was  _ the _ Ben Solo or that he wasn’t. Either way she had questions. 

A million of them ran through her head. 

“He was on Naboo apparently as the Modalorian Ambassador.”  _ Naboo?  _ “He came back and took over the Space operations. He oversees everything that goes in and out of that hanger. He also controls every single mission; rescue or research.” 

Rey swallowed the lump in her throat. “Was he the one who decided to send the help for Exogul?” 

“No. I was. We were in between Commanders and so the decision rested on me.” 

Rey felt that small bit of foolish hope rise in her chest again. “So… he showed up after that?” 

Constance nodded. “Yes, right after that actually. I suppose he was already in town at that point but—“ 

“Prime minister, it’s time for the dance.” Some young girl about Rey’s age interrupted. 

Constance smiled in apology and then excused herself to leave with the girl towards the dance floor. Rey followed behind after a second to the large square dance floor that was slowly being crowded along the edges with people. Constance met some man Rey didn’t recognize in the center of the floor, both of their hands towards each other, palms up. They circled slowly around the dance floor in an odd dance, unlike anything she had ever seen. 

“This is the Mesh’la Yaim dance.” A voice spoke from beside her. She turned to see fake Ben standing beside her but his gaze was set on the two dancers. 

She turned back to look at the dance floor quickly and was quiet for a moment. “I thought you weren’t from here.” They both watched on as the couple om the dance floor circled one way and then turned with their backs to each other and circled the other. The hand movements reminded Rey of a serpent in the way in curled around and flowed through their whole arms. But the footwork was smooth and straight as they circled each other. 

“Ah. You’ve already asked around about me in the 5 minutes we were apart.” His voice was like nothing she had ever heard from her Ben or even from Kylo. This voice was still confident but also full of himself and condescending. No remorse or even a drip of softness for her, that usually rang through when Ben Solo spoke to her. 

“Well, I like to know information about people who threaten me.” She lied, training her face to keep any tell from her features. She wasn’t sure how much this Ben knew. She didn’t even know who this Ben was. Whatever the case, this Ben was ruthless and unkind and she knew she needed to keep him in the dark as much as possible until she knew more about what was going on. 

She could nearly feel his smile through the force. “Any more information I can offer to you?” He took a sip of his drink leisurely. 

She couldn’t give him the satisfaction of humoring her. “I’m okay actually,” She snipped. 

“Ah well then I’ll ask the questions.” He turned to face her full-on, eyebrows pulled in the middle. “Why are you here, Jedi?” The way he said Jedi made her skin want to crawl. The joking tone that had flowed from his mouth, gone, now replaced with suspicion. 

“Research.” 

“Research of what?” He looked skeptical and bored but Rey saw his eyes.. and knew he was anything but bored. He was wary of her and suspicious of what her real reason for being here was. 

“I’m searching for something.” There was a pause. “Something you’d know nothing about.”

She heard him scoff but her eyes were tied with his. “I know a lot about everything, girl.” 

“My name is Rey.” 

A small smirk covered his lips. “Okay, Rey. Why are you here?” 

“Research. I said that already.” 

“Research for what?” 

She shifted on her feet, “I’m searching for someone.” She turned back towards the dance floor to watch Constance but she was barely paying attention. The couple was no longer circling each other but now engaging in a back and forth dance that looked almost like a chase. 

“The lover?” His voice held a humor she didn’t particularly like. He was laughing at her. 

She ignored him. There was no use trying to explain to him any of this when she didn’t even know what it was. A quiet fell over them and when the dance finished and another one began she thought he would leave her be and find someone else to question or make fun of but he continued to stand there even as the next round of dancers lined up. 

“Dance with me.” He requested after a few minutes of silence. 

She turned to him in horror. “Excuse me?” 

“You heard me. Dance with me.” This time he didn’t wait for a response before he grabbed her hand and pulled her to the dance floor. 

Once he had her in position he led her through the dance which seemed to be another typical Madalorian dance that she had no idea how to do. 

“Why are you forcing me to dance with you?” She hissed. "You don't even like me. 

He shrugged but his eyes sparkled with humor. “Who said I didn't like you? Plus you aren’t answering my question.” 

“Maybe because since we met you’ve only been rude to me. And why should I have to answer anything?” 

He laughed. A weird and beautiful laugh that she hated to love. “If you want the truth...I asked you so I wouldn’t have to dance with Constance.” 

“Pardon me?”  _ Dance with Constance? _

“Yes, if I don’t dance with someone on this song, that girl she has following her around would force me to dance with Constance.” He looked over her head towards Constance blandly. “And I’d rather not.” 

It was only when his eyes were distracted that she was finally able to take into account how close they were and where his hands were. Her body heated but her mind reeled. This was the closest she had ever been with him. Other than the kiss. 

And he apparently even know who she was to remember said kiss.

“What do you have against Constance?” She tried to make her voice sound defensive but the breathiness in her voice gave away a little too much of here inner turmoil. 

“She’s a bit traditional. Not much my type." He paused, "And she’s old.” 

Her jaw nearly dropped. “You don’t like her because she’s old? That’s complete shit.” 

He blinked. 

He looked away, over her head in indifference. The pieces started to fall together, from what Constance said and the way he was speaking of her now. “And you’re going to run against her? For Prime Minister?” 

“If that’s what the people want.” His shoulders lifted in a shrug. “I could certainly do a better job than her. I could run the whole damn galaxy better than her.” 

_ Now that sounded like Kylo _ . 

He dipped her as the rest of the couples dipped, in perfect time. But when he pulled her back up it was even closer than before. Her breath caught and she realized just how close that was. Their noses nearly brushed and his hands tightened around her before he slowly brushed his hand from the middle of her back to her waist. Her throat tightened as his full-face came into her frame. Every freckle was the same. Every angle, all too familiar. 

And he stared at her with no familiarity in his eyes at all.

She fell back from him quickly. 

“Excuse me.” She rushed away from the dance floor. She didn’t stop when she got to the doors or when she reached the street. She kept walking until she was back in the library. 

This time to research something else. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> POST YOUR THEORIES BELOW


	4. Jedi Magic

Constance flew through the doors of the library early the next morning. 

“Rey! You’ve had me so worried! I can’t believe you left without telling me.” Constance chastised. 

Rey winced. “I’m so sorry. I completely forgot.” She paused for a second. “The man got to me.” 

“What man?” She gasped an oh. “You mean Commander Asher?” 

Rey rolled her eyes at the name. “He made me dance with him and then was a prick the whole time.” She looked up at the woman in a sweet apology. “But I am truly sorry for running out on you like that.” 

“He asked you to dance? How did I miss that?” She asked mostly herself. 

Rey turned to stare at her full on. A moment of silence fell between them as Rey continued to go about her business, unsure of how to say what she needed to. “He thinks the people want him in your place.” 

Constance’s face tightened in a grinance before it fell and she sighed. “And maybe they do.” Her voice was small and quiet. 

“How could you think that?” Rey couldn’t really imagine why anyone would not love Constance as a leader. She had been one of the nicest most confident people Rey had ever met up to that point. She ruled with just will and steady hand and Rey had no idea how she could doubt herself for even a minute. 

“I don’t know. The People want someone more ruthless and less thoughtful. They want a bounty hunter for a prime minister and I know for a fact that I can never be that for them.” She smiled. “Actually my father was a bounty hunter. Like most are. He always always wore the mask, and always taught me the importance of it and keeping up the tradition of it all. After being raised by that I valued the old ways but I wanted a more sensible life and when I became prime minister I wanted others to have access to more than being an assassin could ever give you. So that children had options.” She rolled her lips between her teeth and for a moment Rey could see the unsure look in Constance's eyes and the self doubt written across her face. “But Commander Asher, he was the support of every brute who doesn’t remember the wars. Doesn’t remember all the fatalities and the toll it took on families and how other planets viewed us.” She looked pained at her words but took a deep breath. “So they want my job. And I have to sit here gracefully as they do anything and everything in their power to take it away from me. Because I am the prime minister.” 

  
  


Constance was quiet as she stared off for a moment. “This is the way.” 

  
  


*

_ The portal always gives never takes.  _

_ The portal always lives and never breaks.  _

_ Every one to search for the door  _

_ Find the ground and search no more _

“What does that mean?” Rey muttered to herself. 

She grabbed another book to her right and flipped it open to the middle of the book where it talked about the portal. 

_ The portal is a door in the middle of a world that connects with the in between. The portal used to be thought to be at the core of whatever world it was on but after a search lead by a broken hearted Halason Marts, that theory was disproved. Marts, who was in desperate search for his daughter who disappeared, died a month after the mission. Marts’ daughter never returned.  _

No book had any real information, almost like no one really knew. Everything gave very minimal information or spoke in complete riddles that no one understood. Or at least she couldn’t. 

She looked up from her book, beginning the inward debate with herself. After a moment she casually but not so casually reached over to grab the one lone book at the far end of the table and opened it. 

_ Memory restoration through the force, _ she read. 

“Ah so this is where you hide.” 

Rey sounds around quickly at the voice and used the force to close every book on the table. 

_ Ben. _

_ Or— whoever.  _

“I’m sorry?” Her unease seeped through her voice. She winced at it and then cleared her throat. 

He smirked. “I’d wondered where you’ve spent your time during your month on mandalore.” He took a step through the doors of the library and looked up. “I see it’s this dust pit. For your research I’m assuming. How  _ is _ that going by the way?” 

She wanted to roll her eyes at his blatant sarcasm when he asked her. She refrained. “Fine. Actually you’re interrupting me.” 

He didn’t seem to grasp her meaning or maybe he just ignored it but either way he walked through the library until he reached the table where her books were and looked over them. “And these are all… Jedi books?” 

“Yes. Well- most of them. The others are just informational books or Journals.” 

His eyebrows raised for a split second. “And you don’t care to share? Not even after you so rudely ran out on me 2 nights ago?” 

She looked down at her hands. “I didn’t run out on you.” 

“Is that the Jedi way? To run out on those they care about? I heard that was what Luke did. He ran away from his family and the resistance.” His eyes bore into hers.

She reeled at his words. It was so hard for her to hear things like that coming from  _ him _ . Because regardless of what or who this man was… it looked like Ben.  _ Her Ben. _

She cleared her throat in hopes of regaining her footing. “Do you know much about the Jedi, commander?” 

He smirked at her conversation change to dodge his question. “No.” He turned back towards the window on the back wall. “Not much at all actually but it’s you I’m here for.” He turned back quickly with a suddenly blank and cold look on his face. “Why are you here, girl?” He was so political and so obviously a socialite that it nearly blew her away. 

She licked her lips slightly. “Are you suspicious of me?” 

“Do I have a reason to be?” 

“No.” 

His eyebrows quirked. “Everytime I’m around you, you act like you’ve got something to hide.” 

She crosses her arms in front of her chest. “This is only the second time you’ve been around me.” She pointed out. 

“True.” His face finally loosened into a small smirk. “I need your services.” 

“My services?” She blanched. 

“Yes. Your Jedi services if you’ve got any.” He gave her a pointed look before turning to walk towards one of the rows of shelves. “I’ve read before that Jedi can tell when people are lying if they are really trained.” 

She stiffened. “I’m not Jedi. I said that the other night.” 

“But you trained with Luke Skywalker, no? Does that not make you a Jedi? The last Jedi, perhaps?” His onslaught of question made her flinch with every one. It was hard for her to remember that whoever was standing in front of her was not who she thought he was. And he talked about Luke Skywalker as if he was still some mythical legend and not an uncle or a person who betrayed his own nephew but then gave his life to bring him back. 

“How do you know so much about Jedi?” She tilted her head to the side in question. 

“You’re trying to redirect.” 

“You feel like you can ask me 100 questions at a time. Why can’t I ask you one?” She took a step towards him, trying to regain the confidence he had chipped away at since he walked in. “I mean, how does an Ambassador from Naboo know so much about Jedi.” 

His eyes narrowed. “You’re avoiding my questions and my request.” 

“And what is your request, commander?” 

“I need you to come with me to a meeting. And you can use your Jedi magic to help me know if some men are lying.” He drug his finger across the ledge of one of the shelves, collecting some of the dust that had settled. 

Her breath caught as she realized for the first time that it was his hands. The hands she touched all those months ago on Ahch-to, when the force connected them. The hands that had healed her and brought her back to life. The hands that pulled her closer to him when they kissed for the first time. The hands she imagined running through her hair, and down her spine and intertwining with her own fingers and—

  
  


He usually wore gloves. She could count the number of times she’d seen him without his gloves. 




And the last time was the last time she had seen him. 

When he had come to save her. 

She glanced up to see him staring at her with an annoyed but confused look on his face and she quickly cleared her throat. “It’s not magic.” 

He rolled his eyes. “Fine.  _ Jedi powers _ .” He smiled sardonically. 

_ This Ben was quite sarcastic.  _

“And why should I help you?” 

This time his smile was genuine, and evil. “Because otherwise I’ll fire your little hairy friend, scrap your droid and throw your trash heap of a ship into the bottom of a very deep pit.” 

She blinked at him, unfazed. “You’re joking.” 

“No. Actually, I’m not.” He stared back at her. 

They stared-off for quite a while before she finally broke and sighed. “What is this meeting?” 

He grinned. “There’s someone who says that they have information for me. Very vital information. I need to know if he’s telling the truth or not. And you can use your force powers and boom; I’ll know instantly.” 

“It seems stupid that you might need me.”  _ Especially since I haven’t used the force in ... who knows when.  _

“Actually, now that you mention it, yes it does seem pretty stupid but it’s valuable information.” His voice was flippant and diplomatic. 

“About what?” 

He glared, “It doesn’t matter what it’s about, it matters that you’re coming and you don’t have a choice because I’m a powerful man with very little patience.” He took a few steps forward, attempting to be intimidating but Rey only felt the flashbacks; those moments with bend when the bond connected them and they had nothing to say other than to simply ask little things about each other and how they were and about the force. They didn’t argue really, more like quarreled as if they were really right next to each other, some old married couple who were talking about the weather and bickering about what was for dinner. 

And then he would disappear and she was left with a deeper sense of loneliness than she had ever felt, even when her parents left. 

“Okay,” her voice cracked, “I’ll do it.” And it wasn’t because she was afraid he was going to destroy the Falcon, or fire Chewie, but because this was Ben–– even if it wasn’t her Ben, and she always did whatever the hell Ben needed from her.

His eyes narrowed slightly but he nodded. “Good.” He turned to walk away but stopped right at the threshold. “This evening, I’ll come back to get you and then we’ll go from there.” 

  
  


And when he came back hours later she had just finished frantically searching for answers in the books she had strown all across the library. She  _ needed _ answers. The longer she spent around this Ben the more hope she lost. She was starting to disassociate this Ben and her Ben more and more, almost like they were different people when she’s sure they're not. 

The room was in such disarray that he paused to take it all in. “What happened here? Is this another Jedi thing?” 

She turned her head away as a blush crawled up her neck. She closed the book she had open in front of her and got up from where she had been seated on the floor. 

He watched with one eyebrow cocked up as she approached. “Are you ready?” 

“Do I have a choice?”

He smirked, “Not really.” He turned quickly to walk out the door, walking way quicker than she could keep up with. 

“So where are we going?” She called out behind him, trying fruitlessly to catch up. 

“I already told you we are going to a meeting. Which by the way we need to talk about some rules beforehand.” 

“Rules?” She exclaimed. 

He trudged on, gliding through the halls with his long legs. “Yes rules.” He stopped abruptly and pinned her with a look. “This meeting is discrete and very important. You cannot tell anyone, and I mean anyone, about it. That you were there at all or what was said. Nothing.” 

She couldn’t help but roll her eyes at his statements. 

“Next rule. Don’t roll your eyes at me.” 

“Excuse me?” 

His face was bland and visibly annoyed. He then turned around and began walking again. “I need you there, yes. But your attitude and weird mood swings? Those I don’t need.”

She gasped, “Mood swings?”

He ignored her. 

“Excuse me? What are you trying to get at here?” 

Somehow she could just tell that he was rolling his eyes. He pulled aside into a room and shoved a stack of black clothes and shoes into her hands. “Put this on. We need to be discreet. People believe that Luke Skywalker was the last jedi and I want to keep it that way. If they think you’re simply a servant or a guard they won't suspect you.” She turned to leave but he gently grabbed the crook of her elbow and tugged her back. “Keep your force magic under wraps. Don’t engage or talk or defy me. I need to look in complete control.” 

She scowled, “You’re not in control of me.” 

He smirked, genuinely looking pleased with himself. “I am right now.” His face dropped to a more serious look, but his smirk grew. “I could later tonight too, if you’d like.” 

She cursed at him as he walked out of the room laughing. 

  
  


When they arrived at–– wherever they were, in the middle of nowhere. Rey almost felt like she was back on Jakku. The pod they had ridden in faced out towards the sandy and desolate land of the planet. They had traveled nearly to the complete other side of the city with extreme amounts of poverty evident. Ben Whoever had been quiet the whole way. She could almost pretend that she was sitting with her Ben,––and he hadn’t died or disappeared or whatever–– and that they were just having a normal night. And that he still loved her enough to turn for her, and to fight his long line of masters for her. 

But then that dream would burn up like a forest fire when she really started looking at his face and saw how ditched and pensive he was. Ben Solo was a lot of things but he was  _ never _ detached. Especially when she was around; because even he was angry with her or trying to obey the call of the dark side, every fiber of his being was paying attention to her and watching her. He knew where she was and what she was thinking. 

He  _ knew _ her. 

This Ben was a stranger to her. And that little glimmer of hope and happiness, shriveled up when his dull eyes flitted over her, like she was barely even there. 

They stopped just at a small cantina looked to be boarded up and closed. Rey felt a little bit odd in her all black attire and hood. Almost like that version of herself she had seen on the death star. But she also felt sly, like a bounty hunter. The clothes were soft and stretchy but the hugged her body in a provocative way–– That Rey knew  _ her  _ Ben would have been able to keep his eyes off of. But the Ben that stood in front of her as he made his way through the dilapidated building. 

When they reached as far back as they could go Ben turned and pushed open a door on the left wall. Behind the door was a pristine dark wood room. It seemed to be preserved in spite of the dust and decay that had happened to the rest of the building. Ben walked across the small office to a plush red chair and sat down behind the huge desk that spanned most of the room. 

“Stand behind me to my right. And keep your head down.” He ordered in the gruffest, most serious voice she’d heard from him yet. 

The severity of the situation began to rile up her own concerns and she went on high alert. “Why didn’t you bring guards or security of some sort actually?” 

“I can handle myself.” He looked back at her from the side of his eye and she allowed the small look of amusement to calm her rising nerves a little bit. 

“Are you a secret jedi too?” Her voice was more curious than teasing, but he didn’t seem to notice. 

“I can work my own magic when I want to.” And with that they were cut off. A sound from just outside the door startled Ben into turning around and the more serious look fell over his face again. 

Rey quickly lowered her head when the door screeched open. She allowed her eyes to peak up through her lashes in an attempt to get a look at the mysterious person here to have a meeting with Ben. 

The man was not overly fat but not slender, with scruff that covered his jaw and around his lips. HIs clothes were worn and old but you could tell he made an effort to keep clean. 

“Thank you for meeting me commander.” The man bowed quickly and glanced nervously up at Rey. 

“Yes, thank you for meeting me. Now I was told you had some important information for me?” 

The man looked away from her and back to Ben. “Yes— uh, yes.” He swallowed thickly. “I was placed by General Harroz as a spy on the planet Dathomir many cycles ago. And when he passed away recently I didn’t return for a new debrief because something large was happening.” He paused and his eyes flirted back over to Rey as she attempted to keep her head down but feel out in the force to search for any signs of dishonesty. 

Ben seemed to notice his hesitancy. “She’s simply a slave for my pleasure I keep around.” He waved toward her direction in near disdain. “Continue.” Rey attempted to control her glare at his horrible excuse. 

The man looked back and nodded at Ben’s words. “The government there had been unhappy with Mandalore occupancy for a while. And when Ithorian diplomats visited last year everything started to go to shit. Together they both realized that they no longer appreciated the iron fist that Mandalore ruled with or guarded over them and other surrounding planets.” He cleared his throat. “They want to invade Mandalore and kill the prime minister. Now I know your lineage is from Naboo, but Mandalore has not had an invasion attempt for hundreds of years. If not more. So I thought it was all simply wishes but that they would never think of a plan that would even remotely work. But just as General Harroz died, I overheard their leaders talking about their plan and how many spies they had slowly infiltrating the government here—“ Ben’s eyes cut to hers in suspicion but the man kept talking, “They said they had 100 spies trickled around the parliament and thought the staff of the prime minister and as soon as they had the green light all of them would go after Prime Minister Constance and she would be dead within minutes and they would ruin Mandalore and our way of life from the inside out.” 

Silence fell over the group and a chill crawled up Rey’s spine. She knew how this looked. And when Ben’s icey cold eyes met hers she knew she had to figure out a way to prove herself innocent and fast. 

Ben sat, pensively looking at his desk for a few moments before looking back up at the man, “Thank you, Reggie.” With a nod he dismissed the man but didn’t move an inch. The man bowed once more before turning around and made his way out the door. 

Rey racked her brain for one second. When the door closed behind the man she bolted towards the door and took off running. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyyy. I am so so sorry that I haven’t updated in forever. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy this cliff hanger. 
> 
> Also looking for someone to Beta so if you would like to help out... please message me on here on my my tumblr!
> 
> Nickscratchfanpage ;) 
> 
> Also taking prompt and story requests. 
> 
> Happy reading!!!


	5. Fear of this

She had barely made it out of the room before he had caught up and for the first time, she really did almost believe he had magic powers. 

He grabbed the nook of both of her arms and yanked her back into his chest in record time. The breath was knocked out of her at the impact and her arms landed on top of his as they circled her torso. His breath hissed in her ears and she tried to tamp down the shiver that wanted to crawl up her neck. She didn’t want to show him her fear? 

“Are you a spy, Jedi?” His voice was low and almost a whisper. 

“No!” She grunted out as she tried to wiggle away from his grasp. His arms around her were like steel and she yanked and pulled, trying to rip them off of her. 

“Then why did you run?” 

She finally got one arm free after fighting for a couple of minutes and swung around to face him. “Because I knew that’s what you thought. I’m not going to let you just kill me without a fight, especially for something I am not.” 

He glared at her. “Then what are you?” 

“You know what I am.” 

His eyebrow crooked up towards his hairline. “Do I? You claim to not be a Jedi.” His face was mocking. 

“Because technically I’m not. I don’t follow their religion.” She spat her words out. She didn’t follow their religion at all. The Jedi destroyed each other and it was a Jedi who tried to kill Ben solo when he was just a boy. 

“Then how am I to know who you are?” He scowled and yanked her closer once more. 

She pushed at his chest to gain some space between them. “Because–“ She struggled to find her words. It was almost like someone was squeezing the air from her lungs. She never really had to explain herself to Ben and now this Ben was standing in front of her demanding something she couldn’t give him; answers. 

Because she had none. 

Tears stung her eyes and she tried to revert her gaze before he noticed them. 

The man in front of her would only see tears as a weakness. As fear. And for the thousandth time, she told herself ‘ _this isn’t Ben.’_

“You come in here only a month ago claiming to be here for some research that Luke Skywalker worked on but it seems like you’ve found nothing and you’re buying time because you don’t want to leave. And the only person you’ve even bothered to connect with is the Prime Minister. And you’ve made her like you.” He tilted his head. “Now what does that sound like to you?” 

She yanked at her arm and finally got it loose. “I seem to have connected with you, haven’t I?” She gestured around her. “By force!” 

“Your plan could be to kill me too.” His voice was bitter. 

She laughed because the irony of that statement couldn’t help but be funny to her. _Kill him?_

_She would give up everything to bring him back._

_He gave everything. Why couldn’t she?_

She continued to laugh until those tears she held at bay broke free and fell steadily down her face. 

His face morphed from anger to confusion, followed by severe discomfort. It was like he didn’t really know what to do with her. 

She laughed until she fell heavily into his chest in search of the comfort that Ben Solo used to grant her so easily, with even just his words. His hands that had been on her arms, sliding up to her shoulders to hold her in place. The small sign of comfort growing deep in her chest. 

  
  
  


After a while of her relentless crying, he finally grabbed her bridal style, in the middle of the street and carried her the rest of the way to the car. When she finally glanced up, they were pulling up to the place where she had been staying in the center of the city. 

She sat pensively looking out the window, wondering how long he would allow her to sit there before he kicked her out. She didn’t want to spare a glance at him out of fear that his face would be covered in disgust or disdain, and she couldn’t handle any of that right then. It was the last thing she wanted. Because for all that Ben Solo pr Kylo Ren was, he never once looked at her with disdain. And she couldn’t bare it if this face, the face of Ben if nothing else, looked at her that way. 

When she finally got the courage to look over her shoulder at him she saw him typing furiously away on a datapad, like he forgot she was even there until seemingly he felt her gaze and glanced, pausing his tapping. 

“Do you need me to come inside with you?” His voice was soft. Not dripping in sarcasm or contempt at the inconvenience. And his face was blank, not dismissive. 

He sat patiently as she studied every single one of his features before she shook her head slightly. “I’m alright. Thank you.” 

He nodded briefly but continued to look as if expecting her to change her mind.

“I’m sorry about that. Uh–– some of the stuff you said reminded me of someone very important that I lost a little while ago. But, I’m still sorry I took it out on you. I know you had no desire to see me cry.” She rambled before she bit her lip and looked off a little bit. “Anyways, I’m not a spy. I really am here for research and if you need me to go to prove it, I’ll––” She took in a shaky breath, “I’ll go.” 

He blinked. “I don’t think you’re a spy.” 

“You don’t?” 

He shook his head. 

“But you did.” 

He smirked briefly before his face fell serious again. “Yes, well, I know you have some bis secret and I just thought that seemed the most plausible option at the time. But then after you cried and I had a moment to actually try and piece it together I realized it’s impossible.” 

“Impossible, how?” 

A grin stretched over his face. “You’d make a terrible spy.” 

  
  
  


––––––––––––––––

  
  


Rey couldn’t sleep. She was exhausted and her body ached but she couldn’t go to sleep. Her eyes were trained to the ceiling of the room. The tears that leaked from her eyes hours before now caused her eyes to feel raw and droopy. Her muscles and bones were tightened with the tension from her earlier run and argument with Fake Ben. Commander Asher. 

She didn’t really know what to call him. 

  
  


Commander Asher had dropped her off at her house more than 4 hours ago and still their conversation and the realization of what the spy had to say still rang through her head. 

Someone was trying to kill Constance. She wasn’t sure whether Commander Asher cared or not. Or what he was going to do about it. If he was going to try and stop it. 

  
  


She finally twisted around into a sitting position and then tiptoed towards the other room where she kept the boxes of Leia’s things she had taken from her house. When she spotted the box she was looking for, she riffled through it until her finger landed on the little disc she was searching for. 

She padded over to the disc reader she had brought with her and settled in on the floor in the corner of the room. Once she was tucked tightly between the 2 walls of the corner and pulled her knees to her chest, she pressed play. 

  
  


_“Hey Mom,_

_Uh— Ben here. Just wanted to reach out and tell you that…. I—uh I miss you._

_I know that sometimes it’s hard being away, especially for me. And I’m sure from your point of view it’s hard for you to let your son be so far away._

_Like uh— today. We found a young boy on Quell that had strong force abilities. And his mother… his mother wanted him to go. To come train with Uncle Luke. But it was so hard. And I watched them be separated, and it was so hard. They both wanted this, but they were crying and hugging and I just thought to myself…_

_you know, I should go visit my mom. Or atleast, talk to my mom. Because I— I do think of you. And miss you a lot. And dad._

_I wish— huh, I wish there was a way I could be with you and—and still be here. You know?_

_I just wish that things could be maybe a little different. That maybe I just was normal. And maybe my grandfather wasn’t Darth Vader and my uncle wasn’t Luke Skywalker and you weren’t Princess Leia. You were— you were just my mom._

_I think about that all the time. Even though I know it’s not really possible. Just the dream of a 17 year old boy I suppose._

_Anyways, I’m sorry for ranting. Not quite the eloquence you’re probably used to as General. But I love you forever._

_And I promise I’ll be home soon._

_It’s been too long.”_

Rey wiped at her cheeks with the back of her hand, taking every stray tear that had surfaced for the 2nd time that night came with it. She pressed play again on the device. 

That boy, who sat there talking to his mom would only months later realize that his fantasy was not only completely impossible but the uncle he had once revered was just a coward, willing to kill his own nephew. 

This was where Rey found comfort and solace. In the words of a scared little boy, who she later would call friend, ally, and in her dreams, lover. 

By the 3rd watch he finally fell asleep to Ben Solo’s emotional and terrified words. 

  
  


———————

  
  


The beeping was incessant, and she couldn’t seem to ignore it as it roused her from her sleep. Rey groaned as she rolled over on her side and stumbled through until she got to her holo transmitter that was making all the noise. 

“Hello?” She rasped out through her sleepy haze. Poe Dameron’s face flashing before her, looking way more awake than she surely did. 

“Rey? I’ve been trying to reach you or Chewie for a week.” His face was tight with concern. “I’ve been worried. Are you still on Mandalore?” 

“Poe.” A small, relieved smile made its way to her lips at the sight of her old friend. “I’m so sorry I’ve been so distant. Things here have been—“ she sucked in a breath through her teeth. “Weird.” 

His eyes softened at her words. “Weird how? You need me to come there?” 

“No. Definitely not. I know you’re busy with General stuff. It doesn’t really matter anyways.” 

“I really miss you out here. Finn and I are doing the best we can but, it’s not quite the same without you. When will you be done?” His voice and his face were soft, the way he always spoke to her when it was just the two of them and they weren’t arguing. 

She bit her lip, contemplating how to answer her friend. “I don’t know. There’s more… to this than I thought there’d be.” 

“What does that mean?” 

“It means… I don’t know when I’ll be coming back. Or if. Honestly Poe, I’m not a Jedi. I never finished my training and in all honesty I don’t want to be a Jedi.” The words are hard to say but she knows that Poe _needs_ to hear them.

“Rey I’m not asking you to come back as a Jedi, I’m asking you to come back as our friend. We need you.” He paused. “I need you. I want you here.” 

She bit her lip again at his words. That hadn’t been the first time that Poe had hinted at his feelings for her. It was like some big fire that they both tried to keep away from at all costs but every once in a while he got just close enough to make it obvious. And it wasn’t like his words weren’t something Finn might say to her. Because he would. But it was the _way_ Poe said it. His face. Almost like the hidden meaning of the words his eyes were conveying. 

“I know, Poe.” She hesitated. “I just need more time.” This time the message was conveyed through her words too. _She wasn’t ready_. 

He sighed and looked down. “I know. Rey, I just wish I could be there to help you, with— whatever.” 

“I don’t know how you can help really. Just research. And—“ she didn’t know how to say it, “Ben is here.” 

His face transformed into surprise so quickly, . “ _What?”_

She cleared her throat. “Yeah. It’s not really him. I don’t think. And I don’t really know everything about how he got here or what he is but—. Somehow it looks just like him and talks like him and his name is Ben but he’s a commander here and— and he’s a little bit of an ass. But not in the way Kylo was an ass but more like political agenda bullshit, ass.” 

“Wait. Wait. Wait. I’m still lost here. It’s really him? Does he remember you?” 

“No. He doesn’t recognize me or know me at all. Not one bit.” 

His face scrunched in suspicion. “Are you sure? What if this is some kind of ploy?” 

She hadn’t really told anybody about their moment on Exogul or their force connection. Only Chewie. They didn’t really know what level she knew him at. 

“I just know Poe. He— I— I’m not 100% how to describe it but it’s like, you know when someone knows you. How they look at you and talk to you. And that’s just not it. He doesn’t know me. And I don’t know if it’s really him and he’s missing his memories or if it’s not him and it’s— it’s just a coincidence but…”

It was silent on the other line. Poe’s face was frozen. 

“I’m coming there.” And with that he ended the transmission. 


End file.
